more of the sweetness

So it's been a rough year.  I thought the one before this one was rough but I had no idea what that word 'rough' really meant and still probably haven't scratched the surface of it.  I was showing signs of being 'that person' who in random conversations to strangers brings up how hard her life is.  Ugh.  I didn't like that and would tell myself over and over not to do that again.  Well, if you are like me, you know what happens when you try to fix something in your own strength.  It's only a matter of time and there you are again.

So it all came to a head a couple weeks ago.  There I was in my time with the Lord crying out in pain and asking why, why, why as I listed out all hard stuff from this past year.  Every month had significant challenges that I felt the pain of even as I wrote.  Then it came. "You are grieving."  Oh, that's the word.  Grieving.  I think I was in the anger stage.  I'm a firm believer in grieving hard things.  I know it's healthy and right.  I don't think I got off the train there though.  I rode it all the way to self-pity.  I can feel the difference in my heart.  It's one thing to be sad and it's another thing to wallow and indulge thought after thought feeling like a victim of circumstance.  After wallowing for awhile I felt another prompt, " now that you've listed all the hard things from this past year, make a list of all the things you can celebrate from this year."  Oh. Okay.  I was sure it would be embarrassing how few things I'd come up with.  Slowly things started coming to mind and before I knew it my pen couldn't keep up with all the things I was thinking of.  To my surprise there were lots of things!  Now you might think, Susan, are you really that ungrateful? I'm sure you are exaggerating.  I never thought I was an ungrateful person.  I was stuck though, stuck in a way of thinking that comes easily when you are in pain.  Looking in and not looking at my Father.  My Father who says that his plans for me are good.  My Father who calls me to things beyond what I can do but asks me to trust him. My Father who is Faithful and True. Why hadn't I thought of all the good things before? Then something happened. I started to pray and thank God for all the blessings from the last year.  It took awhile as I named them off one by one.  It's funny, as I look back at the two sheets of paper there many things that appear on both.  The same thing I was grieving I was able to celebrate and be thankful for too. 

This last year was hard for me.  That's okay.  This last year was also good.  When I remember this first year overseas I want to remember more of the sweetness than the sour.  I am determined to have a thankful heart.  Thankfulness is leading me to intimacy, friendship and depth of relationship with my Father.  I want to be in a place where I can do what Paul wrote, "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus". 1 Thessalonians 5:18